What not to Wear on your first Day of School

I personally feel that all public schools should force students to wear uniforms, but, since we don’t live in a perfect world, it’s very easy for a child to dress himself or herself on the first day of school.

For the boys, dressing up in Nazi regalia is just not cool. You will almost certainly be told to change or go home if you show up wearing this. This isn’t to say girls should start buying Nazi clothes right away. It’s pretty much off limits to everyone these days. Boys fortunate enough to have facial hair should also stay away from the toothbrush, or Hitler, moustache.

Drawing from personal experience, in my junior year I did get away with wearing a shirt that read “Sportin’ a Woody” on the back, whereas a friend of mine was told he couldn’t wear one of Van Halen’s For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge T-shirt. So you have to watch out about what the T-shirts say. Any anti-Bush shirt might indeed be out of the question. Two of my favorite tees are one that says, “Slavery Gets Sh*t Done,” and another that reads, “Love him or hate him, Hitler killed a lot of Jews.” (Anything involving Hitler is OUT!) Each of these are absolutely horrible attire choices for a young schoolchild. Or one with a black pot screaming at a black kettle, “What the f*ck did you call me?” And, really, aside from that, buttless chaps and leather harnesses with studded pouches are totally out of the question.

The gals should certainly not wear anything too revealing. Belly shirts, Ally McBeal skirts, and any type of lingerie are surely included on this list. Some costumes, such as a belly dancer, French maid, and bedside nurse, while extremely hot, should also be avoided, even on Halloween.

Essentially, common sense should always be used. But, since this is rather uncommon nowadays, wear to school what you would wear to visit your grandmother. Better yet, wear what you would wear to your grandmother’s funeral. All of this being said, wear something. Going to class nude won’t cut it until you get to college, and even then you’re risking harm upon yourself. And rightfully so, pervert.

Now, let us move to the other side. Under no circumstances should you ever wear a shirt and tie to school. Best case scenario, you end up with half a tie. Worst case, you’re choked to death, and that might be either thanks to the school bullies or it could end up self-inflicted. And, although, not nearly as bad, dress pants, be they khakis or whatever, should be avoided. As should corduroy. Again, college is perfect for this kind of nonsense.

Any hat that isn’t a baseball cap should be approached very carefully. The school principal might not even allow ball caps, but anything like a cowboy hat, or something like coonskin or a top hat should only be worn when someone much cooler has done so in the school.

Lastly, take it from me, snakeskin boots you should stay far away from. However, if you must wear them, don’t wear ones that go so high that you have to wear them outside your pants. You’ll look like Timer, the big glob of whatever he was that hankered for a hunk of cheese. And nobody wants that.