Report Cards from High Schools

I’m a high school student, at least for a few more months. If you were to ask me what I consider the most challenging element of my high school life is, I would not even regard homework or balancing a social schedule or remembering my classes for the day as potential answers. The most challenging – and most rewarding – part of high school is coming up with creative ways to get rid of your report card before your parents see it.

Step 1. Know Your Enemy The first factor in properly (properly is, of course, a subjective term. There is no standard manner by which you must get rid of it. I am merely offering you a frame once you have perfected this, make it your own) disposing of your report card is recognizing the WHO, WHAT, WHY, WHEN, WHERE, and HOW of your high school. The WHO (or TO WHOM) and WHAT are obvious: your school is sending a report card to your parents. WHY? Because adults have nothing better to do than laugh menacingly as you sweat in anxiety. The WHERE and HOW are typically by US Postal Service to your home, though some schools will give you the report card, requiring a parent signature – the solution for this is, of course, forgery, or having your mother sign it while on the telephone or dropping you off at school twelve seconds before class begins or your father while he is watching scantily clad women on television – the latter is preferred, especially if you are able to catch this all on videotape. It’s not extortion; it’s merely your great powers of persuasion. But in the case that your school does mail report cards to your home, you need to figure out WHEN. Typically, it will arrive around four weeks later during your summer vacation. If you fail to rid of your report card, you may not have a social life during aforementioned summer vacation. So pay very close attention to the remaining steps.

Step 2. Take Advantage of Your Circumstances The typical tract home has a joint mailbox, shared by a number of homes within the small community. These boxes lock individually, though there is a single keyhole in the rear, used by the mailman (or mailwoman, for those of you with a higher sense of ethics). Again, we must answer the WHO, WHAT, WHY, WHEN, WHERE, and HOW. Our chauvinistic society has placed an emphasis on the duty of the husband to go get the mail, but in actuality, it is more often the wife that takes on this responsibility. Your mother will have the key. The biggest question is WHERE she keeps the key. Good places to look are in her underwear drawer, her jewelry box, or on her keychain, though the latter is much less likely. If you don’t live in a tract home and/or have your mailbox, disregard this step.

Step 3. Get the Goods The third, most nerve-racking step is actually getting the report card. Don’t you fret, misseur! You’re in high school; you’re a pro at sneaking out of the house. So do it. You’ll have to do it daily, because you can never know for sure when the card will arrive. You’ll actually have to steal the mailbox key daily, as well. You can actually use this to drive your parents crazy. Hide the key in commonly-visited places of course, so they can find it: the refrigerator, or under the TV remote, or in the mailbox, that could get interesting. The third option might completely eliminate your report card problems. If you have siblings, you need to make sure you take their report card as well. I’ve fallen into this trap before. Your parents are smarter than you think. Just slightly. But they are smarter.

Step 4. Just do it Actually, don’t. Just doing things shows mediocrity and doesn’t help us learn from ourselves. Don’t just do it. Do it with pride. Do it with power. Do it like you mean it. If you’re a talented artist, draw on it, call it art, and sell it on Ebay. If you have talent in pyrotechnics, then shoot it off in a fireworks display. If you’re good at making marijuana cigarettes, then light it up and smoke it. Nothing feels better than smoking away your D pluses. Nothing. Be creative. Put your heart into it, my young sons, and you will succeed.